Character Development · Toronto · Change Your Character (TM)
 
 
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 Change Your Character TM

Toronto • Ontario • Canada
 
Howard E. Halpern, MA (Psychology), President

 

Values

  • Do you expect happiness without effort?
  • Do you expect a better self-image without earning it?

  • Is your primary motivation to change the behavior of somebody other than yourself?
  • If you have a relational difficulty, do you wish to blame the other person for your suffering?
  • Do you expect the other person to be the first to improve?

  • Is it more important to have others think well of you than to do the right thing?
If your answers are predominantly "yes," please click here for a gentler approach to self-development.

If not, please read on.

What Motivates People To Change Their Character?

Dissatisfaction with at least one aspect of life, coupled with faith that greater happiness can be acquired through effort. This implies that there is a sense of responsibility for one's lot in life. It requires humility, the admission that one may have made mistakes.

This is painful, but the pain is far outweighed by the sense of anticipation that a better life lies ahead.

How Does One Develop Character?

The first step is to have a clear idea as to how one's past behavior has led to one's present state of affairs.

The second step is to acquire a burning desire for a more positive result.

The third step is to learn specific techniques one can put into practice immediately to bring about that result.

A little effort yields a little benefit. Having attained that benefit, the practitioner acquires more faith, which motivates the person to continue.
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What Are the Specific Techniques?

There are internal and external motivators. Most people are externally motivated, for example, by the desire to achieve material wealth or have others think well of them.

By the time you decide to embark on a program of character change, you are internally motivated. You're not doing it for somebody else. You're doing it for you.

Your best motivator is your diary — a notebook you maintain and review once a day, following a period of self-reflection. A simple diary can be maintained in 5 minutes. It presupposes that you have established at least one goal and requires you to examine your conduct in relation thereto.

Although the diary is an external object, its content is a representation of your innermost thoughts and feelings — a reflection of what you care most about and what you are doing to make your dream a reality.

By keeping a diary, two things are accomplished: We have already established that you desire character development. The diary makes it impossible for a sincere aspirant to continue to do that which is disappointing to oneself. Sooner or later, a succession of negative entries in the diary will become more painful than making the desired change. At that point, the behavior will change.

A good counsellor can help you establish a diary; review it with you; help you overcome obstacles; praise, support and encourage you; and assist you in establishing new goals.

Additional techniques include:

  • Substituting positive thoughts for negative thoughts: it is very difficult to drive out a negative thought directly. However, just as light overcomes darkness when the two co-exist, your positive thoughts will overcome the negative.

  • Using the intellect to alter the emotions: it is far easier to change one's thoughts than one's feelings. However, feelings are affected by thoughts, and when positive concepts become deeply ingrained, negative feelings will start to subside by themselves.

  • Reinforcing positive thoughts with:
    • Repeated, verbal affirmations.
    • Concentration exercises (which strengthen will power).
    • Actions consistent with these thoughts.
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  • Associating with people who support our goals.

  • Reading literature written by those who have successfully put into practice that which we strive to put into practice:
    • Instructive literature
    • Success stories
  • Serving others selflessly — an antidote to excessive preoccupation with one's own problems; an aid to the development of compassion, a virtue; and an opportunity to earn appreciation from others.

Is Religion Necessary?

No. It is not necessary to believe in God to develop one's character. But God, religion and spirituality have been helpful to many aspiring toward self-improvement.

Some desiring character development feel uncomfortable with the concept of God because the Supreme Being is conceived as an external, negative entity who stands between individuals and their happiness, proscribing enjoyable activities and punishing those who engage in them.

For people who feel uncomfortable with the God-concept, perhaps the following would be more acceptable: a being that is internal, neither ego nor instinct, but greater than both. Noted author John Bradshaw and others call this being their "Higher Power."

The concept of the Higher Power is good because it engenders hope at a time when the ego, having failed repeatedly to achieve fulfilment, feels frustrated.
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 If you feel comfortable with a "Higher Power," it is easy to understand that others would also feel comfortable with it and derive solace from it. Whose Higher Power, then, is it? Is it yours alone, or is it shared by others?

If you are willing to share it, ironically, you now have what others call "God." Even if you are not willing to share it, you have something within to which you may safely turn when all else fails.

If you have faith in your Higher Power, by whatever name you choose to call it, establish a relationship with it. Talk to it, out loud or in silence. With an open mind, ask for help and observe the result.

Additional Techniques

Other counselling and psychotherapeutic techniques are detailed at the site of Affordable Counselling.®

Behaviors That Cry Out for Character Change

Do any of these apply to you or somebody you know — spouse, significant other, family member, co-worker or close friend?

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Relationships
  • General
    • Breaking promises.
    • Excusing a hurtful comment on the ground that it was "only a joke."
    • Using power to get one's way.
    • Leading, but not following — even when the other person has demonstrated superior competence.
    • Making others wait, but refusing to wait for others.
    • Refusing to apologize, despite knowing one is wrong.


  • Intimate
    • Demanding, as a married person, the freedom of a single person.
    • Desiring the security that comes when another person makes a commitment, yet refusing to give the same level of commitment to the other.
    • Being insensitive to the other person's needs.
    • Not giving one's children the love, attention or care they deserve, because it would be inconvenient.
    • Withholding information to which the other is entitled, for selfish reasons.
    • Taking too much and giving too little.
    • Purporting to love somebody, yet insisting that s/he change — i.e., loving what the person would become if s/he submitted to the will of the one who purports to love.
    • Claiming to know what one's partner is thinking or feeling, despite the absence of demonstrable psychic ability.
    • Being unfaithful or disloyal.
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Standards
  • Not having any, or having ones that are too low.
  • Having high standards of which no one is aware, because they have never been communicated.
  • Having standards nobody believes, because they have never been enforced.
  • Having a double standard.
Communication
  • Criticizing indirectly (e.g., sarcastically), thereby hurting people without being accountable.
  • Being neither polite nor respectful, yet expecting others to be so.
  • Accusing others of having negative motives, without evidence.
  • Losing one's temper when unable to get what one wants, irrespective of whether one is entitled.
  • Arguing belligerently instead of negotiating.
  • Finding it difficult to listen to a point of view that differs in any way from one's own.
  • Instinctively defending when criticized, instead of seeking to learn.
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General
  • Assuming it's somebody's fault, merely because one experiences pain or discomfort.
  • Incurring a poor reputation (e.g., credit rating) as a result of having made commitments one knew s/he could not keep — or worse, not honoring one's commitments, despite the ability to do so.
  • Feeling shame, embarrassment or guilt that is warranted on the basis of one's action or inaction.
  • Expecting one's body to provide continuous fulfilment, yet devoting less effort toward maintaining it than one offers one's car — then complaining it doesn't work properly.
  • Seeking permanent happiness in transitory experience.
Most of these behaviors tend to elicit negative responses or result in personal dissatisfaction. Feelings of shame, embarrassment or guilt can be transmuted into positive experiences if they lead to behavioral change. This list affords an opportunity to evaluate our conduct, as well as that of people with whom we associate, and may help identify areas for individual or collective improvement.

About . . .

   Change Your Character  TM


 Change Your Character is located in Scarborough, near Kennedy subway station. Scarborough is a community within the city of Toronto — 3rd largest in US/Canada, after New York and Los Angeles. (As of March 6, 2013, the population of Toronto officially overtook that of Chicago, provoking an inordinate quantity of anger on both sides — pointing up, once again, the need for character development.) Kindly address snailmail to Change Your Character, 308-877 Kennedy Road, Scarborough, Ontario  M1K 2E9, Canada.

Telephone counselling is available after the initial visit. We are pleased to accept payment by Visa, MasterCard and Interac (debit card).
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Call 24 Hrs 7 Days:  416-398-TALK (8255) or Toll Free  1-866-877-TALK (8255)



About This Website

The site was conceived, written, graphically designed and HTML-scripted June 5, 1998, by Howard E. Halpern, MA (psychology), counsellor, webmaster and president of Change Your Character. I taught myself how to script raw HTML in February 1998. Most of my sites were coded from scratch or from templates I had created myself. My first sites were created with Notepad, a simple text editor.

Then, one of my clients introduced me to Arachnophilia, an HTML editor created by Paul Lutus, and I very quickly switched to that application. I have been using it ever since. Most of my websites were scripted using Arachnophilia. I am very grateful to Mr. Lutus for providing it to the general public free of charge. Original thinkers are rare, especially on the web. Mr. Lutus is one of those. His writings are bold. He is a courageous man. He is very direct, unafraid to speak out on issues he cares about. His forthrightness is refreshing and worthy of emulation. His writings are among the most interesting I have found on the web.

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